TOYS "R" US INCIDENT REPORT

Declassified – Internal Security File
 DATE: 17 November 2003
 LOCATION: Toys “R” Us, Calgary, Alberta
 SUBJECT: Subject "Sheepy" – Mistaken Identity & Mass Civilian Swarm


 

Summary:
 At approximately 14:32 local time, Subject Sheepy (Ovis Aries, Rank: Warlord) entered a Toys “R” Us retail location to “procure Nerf ammunition” for training exercises. Due to his woolly exterior, cartoonishly large eyes, and unconfirmed rumor that “he looked like a plushie from the Christmas catalog,” Sheepy was immediately mistaken for an oversized interactive toy.


 

Incident Progression:

  • 14:34 — First child approaches Sheepy, asking, “Do you talk if I press your ear?” Sheepy replies with a polite “Yes, but don’t.”

  • 14:35 — Three more children join, poking and prodding Sheepy’s sides, convinced he would “sing the SpongeBob theme song.”

  • 14:37 — A mother loudly shouts, “It’s one of the new Toys ‘R’ Us exclusives!” triggering a store-wide rush of approximately 27 children.

  • 14:39 — Sheepy is swarmed. Wool is pulled, his Emotional Support Hatchet is mistaken for a “cool accessory,” and the rocket launcher is described as “the ultimate Nerf gun.”

  • 14:41 — Sheepy attempts escape, but slips on spilled Slime-brand putty, resulting in a child pile-up at the electronics aisle.

  • 14:44 — Staff mistake the commotion for a Black Friday promotion and start scanning Sheepy’s ears for a price tag.

  • 14:47 — Sheepy, panicking, accidentally activates “defensive bleat protocol,” producing a sound described as “a foghorn mating with a kazoo”, stunning children long enough for him to flee through the emergency exit.


 

Aftermath:

  • 12 children required minor bandage treatment due to “wool burns.”

  • Store stock of stuffed animals increased in value by 400% due to “Sheepy mania.”

  • Sheepy is permanently banned from all Toys “R” Us locations in North America.


 

Conclusion:
 This incident underscores the risks of Sheepy entering high-traffic civilian retail zones without clear identification as a living warlord and not a holiday special plush. Recommendations include wearing a tactical “NOT A TOY” vest in public.
 

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.