C.A.T.S INTERNAL COMMUNIQUÉ

File: “The Box Wins Again”

Author: Sheepy – Lead Engineer, Tin Can Division

Distribution: Coalition of Allied Terran Sociopaths – Internal Eyes Only

Security Tag: C.A.T.S – Purr Level Clearance

 

Brothers, Sisters, and Miscellaneous Entities of the Coalition,

Today, I bring you the warm, fuzzy sound of victory. It is the sound of a cardboard box being the most advanced tactical weapon since the emotional support hatchet.

The Joint Terrestrial-Anomalous Events Committee — you know, the wool-obsessed busybodies who spend their lives crying into paperwork — tried to “capture” me yesterday.

Capture. Me.

That’s like trying to out-chew me on a tin can buffet. It’s not going to happen.

 

The Setup

I put myself in a box labeled “FREE – PLEASE ADOPT”. The bait was too sweet for them to resist. JTAEC thought they were clever, placing their little “civilian decoy” in a nice cozy house. Ha. Rookie mistake.

They didn’t realize that cardboard is my domain. My fortress. My chariot of chaos.

 

The Attack

The door opened.

I greeted them politely: “Hello! May I live here and eat your cans?” (manners cost nothing).

That’s when the nets came flying. Too bad for them, I rolled the box up like armor and charged down the hallway. I may have knocked over a lamp or two. And a bookshelf. And possibly the decoy’s entire grandmother’s ashes.

They fired tranquilizers.

I fired rust-flavored tin cans. Direct hits. Ceiling lights: gone. Room: dark. Morale: shattered.

 

The Finisher

I pulled out three grenade-cans (the spicy kind) and scattered them like confetti. Boom. Exit blocked. CRO-5 got a gentle reminder from my emotional support hatchet that you don’t grab the Sheep.

When I left, I made sure to leave them a note in the decoy box:

“Nice try, wool-less nerds. – S”

 

The Aftermath

They limped away bruised, hatless, and without my cans.

I left with:

  • 1 stolen tranquilizer rifle

  • 2 net launchers (currently rigged to fire surprise birthday cakes)

  • 18 fresh tin cans from their armored van’s lunch cooler

  • The satisfaction of knowing C.A.T.S remains undefeated

 

Final Word

Let this be a lesson, comrades:

JTAEC thinks in straight lines.

We think in spirals… like my glorious horns.

And remember… when in doubt, get in the box.

– Sheepy 🐏⚙️

Lead Engineer, Emotional Support Hatchet Division
 

Document stolen by JTAEC
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