TOP SECRET — EYES ONLY

FILE NAME: OPERATION SATURN STOMP
 CLASSIFICATION LEVEL: RED-OMEGA — ABSOLUTE DENIABILITY REQUIRED
 DATE OF COMPILATION: 14 November 1986
 STATUS: RESTRICTED ARCHIVE — NOT FOR PUBLIC RELEASE


 

Summary:
 After three years of inconclusive speculation, the classified review board has confirmed that Operation Saturn Stomp was not the result of an asteroid collision, ring collapse, or weapon system. The seismic readings matched the precise impact signature of a single large terrestrial quadruped — specifically, Subject SHEEPY-1 (“Sheepy”).


 

Incident Details:

  • Entry into Saturn’s atmosphere: Estimated at 03:14 UTC, 11 September 1986. No known spacecraft signature detected — subject appears to have launched itself from a low-orbit slingshot maneuver involving Titan’s gravity and a debris chunk from the Cassini Division.

  • Activity on Saturn: Subject bounded across visible cloud bands, creating rhythmic gravitational waves strong enough to be recorded from Earth-based sensors. Each “stomp” registered at 8.7 on the planetary magnitude scale — the equivalent of detonating 15,000 Hiroshima-class warheads.

  • Notable Behavior:

  • Paused mid-stomp to carve a crude ram skull into the hexagonal storm at Saturn’s north pole.

  • Shouted (in an audio frequency well below human hearing range) something analysts translated to: “THIS IS MY PLANET NOW, JEFF.”

  • Appeared to consume approximately 3.2 metric tons of frozen methane before performing a celebratory “moonwalk” maneuver, despite not being on the Moon.


 

Motivation (Speculated):
 Analysis of prior encounters (see files REAL MOON LANDING, BEZOS) suggests the operation was an escalation in Sheepy’s ongoing campaign to upstage billionaire spacefarers. This theory is supported by graffiti-like storm patterns resembling the words “NICE TRY, BEZOS”.


 

Aftermath:

  • The stomps caused measurable instability in Saturn’s outer rings, prompting an emergency NASA briefing under the codename “Planetary Temper Tantrum.”

  • Voyager 2 imagery from 1986 was quietly altered before public release to remove Sheepy’s silhouette.

  • Subject Sheepy exited Saturn by performing what is now termed the “Interplanetary Triple Jump,” last seen heading toward Uranus “for the vibes.”


 

Analyst Closing Note:
 Sheepy is now confirmed as the first and only Earth-native organism to:

  1. Stand on the Moon before Apollo 11 (see REAL MOON LANDING).

  2. Leave hoofprints on Saturn’s upper atmosphere.

  3. Trigger a planetary-scale seismic event purely out of spite.

Theoretical containment options remain nonexistent.

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.