JOINT TERRESTRIAL–ANOMALOUS EVENTS COMMITTEE

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM

CLASSIFIED – EYES ONLY

File Ref: PSW-OP/DEBRIEF/RED-ALERT

Subject: Post–Operation Parchment Swipe Findings

Status: CRITICAL

 

Summary:

Following extensive review of the post-incident materials from Operation Parchment Swipe, it has been conclusively determined that “Subject Frenchy” — the historian suspected of holding critical C.A.T.S. intelligence — was not in fact the notorious archivist believed to be embedded within Coalition operations.

Instead, “Frenchy” was Elrod, a known vagrant affiliated with the Coalition, disguised with:

  • A synthetic mustache (adhesive still visible in photographs)

  • An ill-fitting beret purchased from a thrift store in [REDACTED]

  • A comically exaggerated French accent consisting almost entirely of the phrase “hon hon hon”

 

Incident Chain of Realization:

  1. Analyst R. Cavanaugh flagged inconsistencies in Subject Frenchy’s interrogation transcript, noting “constant breaks in accent whenever he asked for more soup.”

  2. Facial recognition software returned a 94% match to Elrod (unwashed) from a 2019 mugshot.

  3. Cross-reference of “historical documents” confiscated from Subject Frenchy revealed most were takeout menus.

  4. Psychological profile indicated the subject was too cooperative, at one point giving agents directions to the C.A.T.S. base without being asked — said directions led to a Dairy Queen.

 

Current Situation:

Upon this discovery, multiple agents entered a state of operational paranoia. Internal chatter now suggests the possibility that:

  • The real Frenchy never existed.

  • “Frenchy” is a title, not a person.

  • Every known historical record may have been subtly altered by C.A.T.S. to hide the truth.

  • Elrod may, in fact, be the real Frenchy but intentionally pretending to be fake in order to throw us off.

  • We might be Frenchy.

 

Directive:

  • All personnel are to undergo mandatory “Identity Verification Drills.”

  • Any and all facial hair on detainees will be removed immediately upon capture.

  • All berets in evidence lockers are to be incinerated.

  • Operation PARANOID QUILL authorized (details [REDACTED]).

 

Addendum:

We still don’t know why Elrod kept saying “I am zee Frenchy, oui oui” even in his sleep. Some analysts suspect deep-cover conditioning. Others have begun to question their own identities.

Morale is at an all-time low.

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.