COALITION OF ALLIED TERRAN SOCIOPATHS

INTERNAL COMMUNICATION – DO NOT FORWARD TO “THE FUN POLICE”

FILE REFERENCE: OPERATION PARKING – POST-OP SUMMARY

AUTHORITY: Quinnz, Garage Manager & Supreme Space for Cars Commander

 

TO: All C.A.T.S. personnel

FROM: Quinnz

SUBJECT: JTAEC’s Six-Month Parking Garage Obsession

 

Team,

First off — congratulations. We successfully ran a perfectly legal, boring, and well-documented parking garage for half a year while the JTAEC burned taxpayer money trying to figure out “what the real scheme was.”

Spoiler alert:

There wasn’t one.

 

Key Highlights:

  • Taz: Issued “infractions” for vibes-based offenses like “looking at me funny” and “suspiciously clean tires.”

  • Elrod: Spent most shifts talking to pigeons. The pigeons now pay for parking in bread crusts.

  • Yuki: Crocheted an entire life-sized security camera just to see if they’d notice. (They didn’t.)

  • Sheepy: Successfully chased off three JTAEC undercover agents with the patented “Goooo hooomeee” battle cry while brandishing the lead-lined Wiffle bat.

  • Holy Mother & Daddy Jakob: Provided emotional counseling to multiple confused motorists who were just trying to find an exit.

  • Ridly: Wore outfits so distracting that we’re fairly certain they caused two fender-benders.

  • Special Bean: Still the only reason this place actually works.

 

Message from Sheepy:

“They spent six months watching a parking garage. I would like to thank the JTAEC for protecting our lot from absolutely nothing. Also, I ate the last of the rust-flavored cans in the breakroom. Goooo hooomeee.”

 

Closing Remarks:

Our next step?

Nothing.

We’re going to keep running the parking garage exactly the same way until they finally crack and storm the place. Then we’ll give them a free validated ticket and a crocheted hat.

 

REMEMBER: Chaos doesn’t always require explosions. Sometimes it just needs… paperwork done correctly.

— Quinnz
 

Document stolen by JTAEC
Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.