COALITION OF ALLIED TERRAN SOCIOPATHS

PUBLIC COMMUNICATION — C.A.T.S. PRESS OFFICE

UNCLASSIFIED – DISTRIBUTE FREELY

OPERATION BIRTHDAY CANDLE

From the desk of Sheepy, Lead Engineer, Chaos Enthusiast

First off — let’s get one thing straight.

No children were harmed.

No cake was wasted (at least, not much).

And yes, the fire was entirely intentional.

The Real Story

A brave young warrior-in-training, codename Danny, sent word through a Make-A-Wish courier that he wanted me, Sheepy, to attend his birthday.

Why? Because of the glorious Toys “R” Us Incident, where I heroically liberated toys from corporate captivity.

So naturally, I accepted.

I even arrived in style — a cardboard box labeled “FREE RAM – ADOPT ME” to keep the element of surprise alive.

The Lighting Ceremony

They brought out the cake. Ten candles.

Do you know what kind of weak flame those tiny sticks produce? Barely enough to warm a marshmallow.

So I did what any self-respecting ram with an emotional support hatchet and access to infinite wool storage would do — I pulled out my flamethrower.

One glorious burst later — the candles were ablaze, the cake was bathed in golden firelight, and the crowd was awestruck.

Some called it chaos.

I call it atmosphere.

The Aftermath

Yes, the sprinklers went off. Yes, the tablecloth may have ignited briefly. But if you think a little water and steam ruin a party, you’ve never been to a proper C.A.T.S. gathering.

The JTAEC? Oh, they spun their usual fearmongering story. “Dangerous entity.” “Hospital ban.” Blah blah blah.

They don’t tell you about the smiles.

They don’t tell you about how Danny laughed so hard he almost fell off his chair.

My Message to the Public

I didn’t bring fire to that party to cause trouble.

I brought fire because joy burns brighter when it’s just a little bit dangerous.

And to JTAEC — you can keep your bans and your blacklists.

I’ll just bring the cake to the kids myself next time.

With extra candles.

And maybe sparklers.

C.A.T.S. OFFICIAL NOTE:

We stand behind Sheepy’s actions. The Coalition believes that warmth, laughter, and mild pyrotechnics are essential to morale.

Long live the chaos.
 

Document stolen by JTAEC
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