JOINT TERRESTRIAL–ANOMALOUS EVENTS COMMITTEE

CONFIDENTIAL – EYES ONLY

File Ref: INTERNAL SECURITY BRIEF 77-A

Subject: The “Frenchy” Debacle – Identity Compromise and Ongoing Counter-Intelligence Measures

 

Summary:

Following an exhaustive post-operation audit of Operation Parchment Swipe, it has been confirmed — with 100% certainty — that Subject “Frenchy” in JTAEC custody from 08/19 to 09/07 was not the Coalition of Allied Terran Sociopaths’ historian.

Instead, the detainee was Elrod, a transient male associated with C.A.T.S., wearing a synthetic mustache purchased from a dollar store and speaking in an exaggerated French accent that included the phrase “hon hon hon” at least 214 documented times.

 

Immediate Impact:

  • Total mission failure — no verified intel on C.A.T.S. obtained.

  • Operational credibility compromised — multiple agencies mocking us openly.

  • Psychological strain on personnel — several operatives now unable to trust facial recognition systems or each other.

 

Current Hypotheses on “Real” Frenchy’s Status:

  1. He never existed. Frenchy is a deliberate fabrication to bait us into wasting resources.

  2. He exists, but may have infiltrated JTAEC years ago and is already in a senior position.

  3. Everyone is Frenchy. Including possibly the undersigned.

  4. We are Frenchy. This is considered the “worst-case existential scenario.”

 

Security Measures Now Implemented:

  • All personnel must pass Accent Verification Protocol before morning briefings.

  • Mandatory mustache inspections at facility checkpoints.

  • Destruction of all berets and horizontally striped shirts in JTAEC storage.

  • Coffee machine in break room undergoing interrogation after being “suspiciously quiet.”

  • Internal memos now watermarked with “NOT FRENCHY” for verification purposes.

 

Psychological Notes:

Several agents have expressed severe paranoia, citing fears that they may “wake up one morning and discover they’ve been Frenchy the whole time.”

  • Agent ███████ attempted to shave his own eyebrows “in case they were fake.”

  • Agent ████ filed an official request to be “scanned for Frenchness.”

 

Closing Statement:

We have failed to confirm the true identity or existence of Subject Frenchy.

The Committee will continue counter-intelligence operations, but internal stability is degrading rapidly.

If this memo is being read by Frenchy — we request you at least tell us why.

 

[REDACTED]

Senior Field Director, JTAEC

(Current Frenchness Status: Inconclusive)
 

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.