JOINT TERRESTRIAL–ANOMALOUS EVENTS COMMITTEE

INTERNAL – CLASSIFIED

FILE REFERENCE: OPERATION PARKING – MENTAL HEALTH IMPACT REPORT

AUTHOR: Dr. Simon Hask, Senior Psychological Analyst

DATE: [REDACTED]

 

SUBJECT: Post-Operation Psychological Status of Field Agents Involved in “Operation Parking” Surveillance

 

Executive Summary:

After six continuous months of surveillance on the Coalition of Allied Terran Sociopaths’ (C.A.T.S.) parking garage, the majority of assigned JTAEC agents are showing signs of psychological fatigue, existential doubt, and, in one case, a strong desire to change careers to “just run a parking garage instead.”

 

Incident Overview:

Despite substantial intelligence funding and around-the-clock monitoring, no illegal or anomalous activity was detected. Agents reported increasing frustration as C.A.T.S. members engaged only in mundane tasks such as issuing parking tickets, crocheting security equipment, and offering unsolicited therapy to customers.

 

Notable Psychological Observations:

  • Agent [REDACTED]: Began to suspect the parking garage itself might be “a sentient being trying to teach us the meaning of life.”

  • Agent M.R.: Developed an unhealthy respect for Sheepy after being chased out of Lot C by the anomalous entity wielding a lead-lined Wiffle bat while shouting “Goooo hooomeee!”

  • Agent H.T.: Spent entire night shift watching Yuki crochet a “security camera” from yarn, describing it as “the most captivating stakeout of my career.”

  • Agent S.B.: Became convinced Special Bean was “the real mastermind” and started tipping her when exiting the lot.

  • Agent [REDACTED]: Quit the agency mid-operation to “pursue parking garage management full-time.”

 

Morale Impact:

Repeated lack of progress caused the operational team to cycle between boredom and paranoia. By Month Four, several agents had filed official requests for reassignment to “literally anything else, even Skinwalker surveillance duty.”

 

Final Assessment:

Operation Parking has been deemed the most demoralizing surveillance assignment in JTAEC history. While the operation produced no evidence of wrongdoing, it has generated valuable data on the psychological effects of prolonged exposure to total pointlessness.

Recommendation:

  • Prohibit multi-month surveillance of C.A.T.S. operations unless there is clear evidence of anomalous or criminal activity.

  • Provide mandatory post-operation counseling for all involved agents.

  • Never underestimate C.A.T.S.’ ability to waste our time with legal nonsense.

 

END REPORT
 

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