JOINT TERRESTRIAL–ANOMALOUS EVENTS COMMITTEE

FILE: OPERATION PARKING

CLASSIFICATION: CONFIDENTIAL – INTERNAL REVIEW ONLY

ORIGINATING OFFICE: Behavioral Analysis & Counter-Anomalous Operations Division

 

SUMMARY:

Following the unexpected acquisition and operation of a ███████████ parking garage by the Coalition of Allied Terran Sociopaths (C.A.T.S.), the JTAEC initiated long-term observation to determine possible illegal or anomalous activities.

After six months of surveillance, infiltration, and direct observation… we still don’t know why they’re doing this.

 

FINDINGS:

  • Quinnz (Garage Manager): Manages parking spaces like a dictator. No illegal actions noted, unless “blowing a whistle too aggressively” counts.

  • Taz & Elrod (Lot Checkers): Issue parking tickets with bizarre infractions such as “excessive smugness” and “parallel parking witchcraft.” Still, the fines are paid by the public without complaint.

  • Yuki (Security): Crochets on duty. Occasionally waves at the cameras. One suspect was deterred when she simply offered him a hat she made.

  • Sheepy (Security): Patrols with a Wiffle ball bat heavily modified with lead. Yells “Goooo hooomeee” at vehicles staying past their allotted time.

  • Holy Mother & Daddy Jakob (Emotional Support): Sit in folding chairs near the exit ramp. Have prevented three driver meltdowns with “supportive staring.”

  • Ridly (Security): Effectiveness questionable. Wardrobe choices distracting to staff and public alike.

  • Special Bean (Lot Attendant): Legitimately the most competent parking employee we’ve ever seen.

 

CONCERNS:

  • No illegal activity has been observed.

  • No anomalous breaches have occurred.

  • All business permits, taxes, and inspections are fully compliant.

  • Revenue is declared and accounted for.

Frankly, this is… infuriating.

 

INVESTIGATOR COMMENT – AGENT █████:

“They’re doing this on purpose. They know we’re watching. They’re baiting us, and I hate how well it’s working.”

INVESTIGATOR COMMENT – DR. █████:

“The greatest act of chaos is to be law-abiding. I’m starting to think they understand that better than we do.”

 

CONCLUSION:

The C.A.T.S. parking garage has no operational or strategic significance… which may, in itself, be the operational and strategic significance. Surveillance will continue, though morale among the observation team is rapidly declining.

RECOMMENDATION:

Request additional coffee budget.
 

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.