File: OPERATION WOOLY
 Classification: TOP SECRET – C.A.T.S EYES ONLY


 

Summary:
 Operation Wooly was a joint venture initiated by the Coalition of Allied Terran Sociopaths (C.A.T.S) after credible intelligence suggested the Moose Sovereignty Archives held a parchment containing both the earliest record of Sheepy’s existence and a potential method to nullify his “infinite void wool.” Such information was considered a Class Omega Security Risk by all members.

The mission directive: steal the parchment before the Moose could weaponize the knowledge.


 

Operation Notes:
 Quinnz authorized the op, stressing that under no circumstances could the Moose know that C.A.T.S was behind the theft. To maintain plausible deniability, the team agreed to use their “subtle approach” — which, in typical C.A.T.S fashion, involved explosives, Taz’s genetically unstable scarecrows, and Sheepy launching himself through the archive’s west wall at Mach 2.

Role Assignments:

  • Sheepy (Lead Engineer): Built a custom parchment-extraction drone out of a toaster, half a shopping cart, and what may have been part of Elrod’s shoe. Also served as the breach weapon.

  • Taz: Oversaw distraction phase by creating 17 animated moose decoys that exploded into glitter upon contact.

  • Yuki: Crocheted “camouflage blankets” for the parchment—though they were hot pink.

  • Ridly: Posed as an “Archive Security Inspector,” despite no credentials and an ID badge made from cardboard.

  • Johnathan: Interrogated an archive clerk for 6 hours without realizing it was a wax mannequin.

  • Elrod: Took a nap in the getaway truck.

  • Holy Mother & Daddy Jakob: Maintained “spiritual oversight” from a safe location, which coincidentally was a spa resort in Malta.

  • Special Bean & Frenchy: Acted as rear guard. Frenchy took notes for historical accuracy, but the notes were later stolen by Sheepy to “correct grammar.”


 

Incident Report:
 The parchment was successfully acquired, but upon examination, the text was found to be written in Moose Cursive, a style so elaborate that even Frenchy could only decode one sentence:

“Beware the wool that drinks the void.”

The parchment is now locked away in C.A.T.S HQ. Sheepy has been caught staring at it for extended periods, muttering, “They don’t know the second part.” No further clarification has been given.


 

Operational Concerns:

  • The Moose Sovereignty has since issued a species-wide vendetta against C.A.T.S.

  • Intelligence suggests they have launched Operation Antlerfall II, believed to be retaliation for Parchment Swipe.

  • Taz has proposed preemptive “psychological destabilization strikes,” but Quinnz insists on “waiting for the perfect moment.”


 

Status:
 Operation deemed a success, but the recovered parchment’s true purpose remains unclear.
 Monitoring will continue.

Document stolen by JTAEC
Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.