C.A.T.S. INTERNAL COMMUNIQUÉ

FILE NAME: OPERATION PARKING – “BECAUSE WE FELT LIKE IT”

DISTRIBUTION: ALL ACTIVE MEMBERS, ALLIES, AND ASSOCIATED CHAOS-AGENTS

 

FROM: Cloven, Garage Manager & Official “Ramp Queen”

TO: Coalition of Allied Terran Sociopaths (C.A.T.S.)

RE: WHY WE BOUGHT A PARKING GARAGE

 

Alright, team, listen up.

We know the JTAEC is watching us. We know they’ve been pacing around their little “incident room” pulling their hair out because gasp the big scary C.A.T.S. are running… a completely legal business.

Here’s the thing:

We did it for fun. That’s it. No hidden vaults, no black-market auctions, no summoning rituals in the elevator shaft (well, not this week).

 

THE OFFICIAL REASONS:

  1. Because we could.

    • We had the money. We had the time. We had Sheepy’s blessing (which is more terrifying than any bank loan officer).

  2. It messes with the JTAEC’s heads.

    • Every time one of them writes a “surveillance report” on us, an angel gets its wings, and I get a little more smug.

  3. Free parking for the crew.

    • You try finding parking for a goat-sized mech suit in downtown ████████ without getting towed.

  4. We needed a new hobby.

    • Taz can only run so many death squads before he gets bored.

 

DEPARTMENT HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Taz & Elrod: Best lot checkers in the business. They give out tickets for “vibes violations” and “smug bumper stickers.”

  • Yuki: Crochets on shift. Security camera footage shows her shooing away a would-be car thief with a half-finished doily.

  • Sheepy: Scares off 70% of unauthorized vehicles just by making eye contact and whispering “Goooo hooomeee” while holding the leaded Wiffle bat.

  • Holy Mother & Daddy Jakob: Emotional support staff. They’ve comforted more frustrated drivers than we can count.

  • Ridly: Security patrols are 50% effective, 50% fashion show.

  • Special Bean: Directs traffic like a saint. Nobody questions her. Nobody dares.

 

MESSAGE TO THE JTAEC:

We see you watching us. We see you taking notes, squinting through binoculars, and muttering “What’s the angle?” The angle is fun, sweetheart. Sometimes chaos is legal.

 

FINAL NOTE FROM SHEEPY:

“We built the garage so cars can park.

We run the garage so the JTAEC goes berserk.

And we keep the garage because I like yelling at cars.”

Document stolen by JTAEC
Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.