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FILE NAME: REAL MOON LANDING
 CLEARANCE LEVEL: ULTRA BLACK – FOR EYES CLEARED BY DIRECTOR ONLY
 DATE OF ORIGINAL REPORT: 21 July 1969
 STATUS: PARTIALLY DECLASSIFIED 2024


 

Summary:
 Contrary to all public records, Apollo 11 was not the first human contact with the Moon — and its crew were not the first sentient beings to set hoof there. Upon lunar module Eagle’s landing in the Sea of Tranquility, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin encountered an unregistered, biped-capable ram later codenamed Sheepy.


 

Incident Timeline:

  • T+00:02 hrs after landing — Armstrong observes a “wool-covered figure” hopping near the lunar horizon. Believed at first to be light distortion or a piece of insulation, until the figure turned, bleated, and waved a half-eaten tin can.

  • T+00:05 hrs — Aldrin confirms visual contact via helmet cam. Audio log excerpt:

Armstrong: “Uh, Houston, we’ve got… livestock?”
 Aldrin: “He’s chewing on our LM ladder.”
 Houston: “Say again?”
 Armstrong: “We’ve got a sheep, repeat, a sheep, on the Moon.”

  • T+00:07 hrs — Sheepy approaches Armstrong, drops empty tin can at his boots, then attempts to headbutt his life support pack.

  • T+00:08 hrs — Sheepy produces Emotional Support Hatchet from unknown storage pouch. Astronauts keep distance.


 

Behavioral Notes:

  • Sheepy appears fully acclimated to lunar gravity, using exaggerated slow-motion leaps to dodge any approach.

  • Maintains stash of 14 partially eaten tin cans and a single unopened Spam tin (origin unknown).

  • Responds to radio chatter in non-English bleats, but with clear emotional intent.


 

Aftermath:

  • NASA ordered all direct references to Sheepy purged from public transcripts. The famous “One small step for man…” quote was spliced from earlier audio, replacing Armstrong’s actual first words:

“What the hell is this sheep doing up here?”

  • Sheepy departed the Apollo site approximately 4 minutes before LM ascent stage ignition, vanishing behind a crater ridge.

  • Evidence suggests Sheepy returned to Earth via “independent means” decades later, later appearing in files such as OPERATION ANTLERFALL and BEZOS.


 

Cross-Reference Files:

  • BEZOS — Sheepy’s later lunar return to flex on Jeff Bezos.

  • MUSHROOM GENOCIDE — Unrelated, but demonstrates Sheepy’s capacity for large-scale unconventional warfare.

  • CHERNOBYL-REAL-STORY — Possible crossover sightings in exclusion zones.
     

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.