CHERNOBYL – THE REAL STORY

Declassified – Level Ω Clearance Required

DATE: 26 April 1986
LOCATION: Pripyat, Ukrainian SSR
SUBJECT: Incident Report – Subject "Sheepy" Involvement

Background:
Subject Sheepy, a wool-covered ram who self-identifies as a sheep, has been on the Do Not Engage list of every major government since the Moose Wars of ’83. Subject exhibits unpredictable behavior patterns, particularly when deprived of tin cans or exposed to boredom.

Prior intelligence indicated Sheepy was in Eastern Europe under the guise of a Spirit Halloween Seasonal Manager despite it being April. Surveillance recorded him entering the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant carrying an Emotional Support Tin Can and humming what experts later identified as “his battle shanty.”

Events Leading to Incident:

  • 23:12: Sheepy observed sniffing the control panel of Reactor 4.

  • 23:15: Reports indicate Sheepy began loudly “reeee”-ing at a control rod he believed to be “mocking his wool.”

  • 23:18: Subject produced a Hatchet of Unknown Origin from his wool, striking the panel repeatedly.

  • 23:20: Reactor readouts spiked, yet Sheepy was seen attempting to “taste-test” one of the graphite blocks.

  • 23:23: When approached by plant personnel, Sheepy shouted “The Great Sheep in the Sky demands it!” before consuming part of the reactor housing.

Explosion:
Official Soviet reports claim a steam explosion caused the meltdown. Declassified photographic evidence shows Sheepy mid-leap from the reactor core, green-glowing wool trailing behind him, hatchet in mouth. Witnesses claim the explosion was “less nuclear accident and more… Sheepy being Sheepy.”

Aftermath:

  • Radiation signatures trace directly to Sheepy’s wool.

  • Moose populations in nearby forests declined sharply within days — suspected preemptive strikes by Sheepy to “deny them the land.”

  • Entire Soviet task force dispatched to apprehend him. None returned. Remaining personnel have refused to speak, citing “wool-related nightmares.”

Conclusion:
Public narrative remains “reactor malfunction” to avoid panic. All mentions of Sheepy have been [REDACTED].
Subject remains at large. Wool glows faintly when hungry. Risk level: EXTREME.

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.