CLASSIFIED MISSION REPORT

FILE NAME: BEZOS
 CLEARANCE LEVEL: ULTRA BLACK – EYES ONLY
 DATE: 19 September 2024
 SUBJECT: Operation Lunar Flex
 REFERENCE: See file “REAL MOON LANDING” for prior classified lunar activity.


 

Summary:
 Subject Sheepy (Species: Ovis Aries, Rank: Warlord, Status: Public Enemy in Canada) executed an unsanctioned lunar launch with the sole objective of “flexing” on billionaire Jeff Bezos. This marks the second known independent lunar landing outside of NASA or Soviet records (the first being detailed in REAL MOON LANDING).


 

Incident Timeline:

  • T-00:00 — Sheepy departs from an undisclosed desert airstrip in a retrofitted grain silo fitted with dual hay-bale thrusters and one suspiciously large rocket booster “acquired” from an Amazon distribution warehouse.

  • +2 min — Bezos’s Blue Origin flight control detects unknown object matching “ram silhouette” leaving Earth’s atmosphere. Bezos is quoted as saying, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  • +3 hrs — Sheepy broadcasts on all open space frequencies:

“Jeff, I’m gonna stand where you couldn’t.”
 “Bring sunscreen.”

  • +10 hrs — Lunar touchdown. Sheepy plants a wool-stitched flag depicting himself dual-wielding his Emotional Support Hatchet and Rocket Launcher.

  • +10 hrs, 3 min — Sheepy uploads 47 photos to Instagram with captions such as “First Ram on the Moon”, “Still no Amazon Prime delivery here”, and “#BetterThanBezos.”

  • +12 hrs — Bezos arrives in low lunar orbit aboard Blue Moon craft, but Sheepy refuses docking privileges, citing “No billionaires allowed.” Bezos sulks and returns to Earth.


 

Aftermath:

  • International Space Coalition furious over Sheepy’s unauthorized lunar activity, citing multiple treaties.

  • File REAL MOON LANDING updated to include photographic evidence of Sheepy standing directly on top of the original Apollo 11 site, partially blocking Neil Armstrong’s plaque with his own engraved rock reading:

“One small bleat for sheep, one giant flex on Bezos.”

  • NASA issues statement: “We do not endorse Sheepy.”

  • Jeff Bezos unfollows Sheepy on all social media platforms.


 

Notes:

  • REAL MOON LANDING file is now considered double-classified. All mentions of original Apollo crew interactions with “sheep-like lunar figures” remain redacted.

  • Subject Sheepy remains at large, suspected of planning “Operation Saturn Stomp.”


Behavioral Notes:

  • Left a large crater spelling “NICE TRY” visible from Earth through amateur telescopes.

  • Mockingly sent Bezos a selfie holding a sign reading: “I’ve been here since ‘63.”

  • For reasons unknown, wore sunglasses for the entire stunt.

Linked File: REAL MOON LANDING — confirms Sheepy’s Moon familiarity.

Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.