COALITION OF ALLIED TERRAN SOCIOPATHS (C.A.T.S.)

CLASSIFIED INTERNAL COMMUNICATION

FILE REFERENCE: OPERATION PARKING – SHEEPY VICTORY MEMO

AUTHOR: Sheepy, Lead Engineer, C.A.T.S.

DATE: [REDACTED]

 

SUBJECT: SUCCESSFUL EXECUTION OF OPERATION PARKING – AND HOW WE BROKE THE JTAEC’S MINDS WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW

 

Fellow C.A.T.S.,

We did it.

Six months. Six. Whole. Months.

That’s how long the JTAEC sat there, binoculars in hand, notebooks ready, waiting for something illegal to happen in our glorious parking garage.

Spoiler: nothing happened.

 

Mission Achievements:

  • Legal Victory: We followed every local parking ordinance to the letter. I even went through the municipal parking code with Yuki over coffee (she crocheted a scarf for the book).

  • Psychological Warfare: JTAEC agents cracked before we did. By Month Four, one of them paid for parking, tipped Special Bean, and left smiling. Another one just quit the agency altogether to “become a parking garage guy.” That’s long-term damage, folks.

  • Security Presence: My Wiffle bat (reinforced with lead, don’t ask) deterred at least 12 potential trespassers — and one unlucky squirrel. Every time I told someone to “Goooo hooomeee,” they went home. Every. Time.

  • Art & Culture Expansion: Yuki’s crocheted “security cameras” are now considered part of the official garage décor. I maintain they work by intimidation alone.

 

Additional Notes:

  • Johnathan’s on-site therapy program confused the public to the point they assumed the garage was a “mental health-friendly parking space.” The Yelp reviews are hilarious.

  • Holy Mother and Daddy Jakob showing up “for emotional support” during shift changes made the agents visibly uncomfortable. One guy nearly walked into traffic just to avoid eye contact.

  • Elrod still doesn’t understand how parking tickets work, but somehow people pay them anyway.

 

Final Score:

  • C.A.T.S.: 1

  • JTAEC: 0 (and possibly a permanent morale deficit)

 

Future Recommendations:

We should consider Operation DMV next. The government’s patience might not survive another legally boring, soul-crushing assignment.

Long live C.A.T.S.,

— Sheepy

Lead Engineer, Keeper of the Wiffle Bat, Lord of Lot C
 

Document stolen by JTAEC
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