COALITION OF ALLIED TERRAN SOCIOPATHS (C.A.T.S.)
UNOFFICIAL PUBLIC COMMUNICATION #99
RE: “FRENCHY” DEBACLE
To the Esteemed Yet Inexplicably Gullible Agents of the JTAEC,
We at C.A.T.S. wish to extend our warmest and most sarcastic congratulations on the successful completion of your recent mission — Operation Parchment Swipe.
Your target? The elusive “Frenchy,” our historian of great renown.
Your result? Elrod. Wearing a fake mustache.
We must applaud your commitment to the bit. Not only did you fail to identify our actual historian, you also managed to interrogate Elrod for three weeks without realizing:
His “French accent” sounded like a baguette choking on a kazoo.
His idea of historical knowledge is reciting plot summaries of bad 80s movies.
He repeatedly introduced himself as “Elrod, Keeper of the Cabbage.”
Taz’s Official Statement:
“You caught the wrong guy and then convinced yourselves it was the right guy.
You didn’t get outsmarted… you outsmarted yourselves. Magnifique.”
For Your Amusement:
Enclosed in this communication is a box of 50 mustaches, each labeled “TOP SECRET – FRENCHY.”
We recommend you store them in your evidence locker and guard them heavily.
You never know when one of them might… become Frenchy.
Further Notes from the Committee:
Quinnz laughed so hard she cried.
Ridly has been walking around HQ wearing two mustaches “for security reasons.”
Holy Mother suggested we nominate your entire agency for the “Self-Inflicted Humiliation Award.”
Sheepy glued three mustaches to his wool and declared himself “Ultra-Frenchy.”
We will be keeping the real Frenchy — or will we? — and encourage you to continue wasting taxpayer money chasing phantoms. The entertainment value alone makes this worth it for us.
C.A.T.S. out.
Document stolen by JTAEC
Below is an audio log for our hearing impaired operatives.